OP, I want to add a data point to counter his everyone agrees with me! comment. Because my husband trusts me. My colleagues travel all over the world, sometimes to places in great upheaval where they have to have military escorts. I think its also quite possible that hes either misrepresented it to the people hes asked, misrepresented their responses to the OP, and/or hasnt actually asked as many people as hes said he has. Im flummoxed that a whole group of people would respond this way to a very normal thing like a business trip, particularly when presented with the reasoning OP outlined in the letter. He cant expect his partner to sacrifice herself to the whims of his anxiety. I actually took my husband with me once and he went off on his own while I worked all day. Good for you,OP, for asking how to deal with a difficult situation. I understand your point, but I think that it is in the LWs best interest to suggest counseling first since she says her husband is otherwise reasonable and kind. Im in business, so of course I know that a lot of conferences and normal things to do there, but its a little disingenuous to claim that a location that intentionally markets itself as Sin City doesnt at least have a rep for vice. I hope you find a guy who does that for you. Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? Ive been to Vegas many, many times. I think that there can be a tendency in intimate relationships to prioritize keeping the peace, and emphasizing why thats a bad idea here and confirming that giving into the husbands demands and not going on the trip should be off the table is valuable coming from someone who gives advice about workplace stuff. Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) And who are all these people in his scientific study that are so against letting their SO go to Las Vegas for a business trip?? The same counselors that would demand that the woman submit would also tell the husband to man up and provide for his wife. If you must have discussion, have them *later*, when everyone is calm. For sure gamboling DOES occur in Vegas, same as gambling :). Omg that sounds so much like my mom. Instead, let yourself feel what youre feeling without judgment orshame. I dont think its all that misogynistic cheating isnt the only thing hes worried about. A week? Can you tell mewhat todo?Maya. I dont worry about it because why would i? But yes, OP, this does smell of jealousy. It's not super fun, but not a nightmare either. Or I can save you the time and point out that I characterized him as jealous and controlling, and never used the word yall seem determined to stick in my mouth. Its often fine to bring spouses on work trips, but I definitely think she shouldnt bring him in this situation. THIS. Unless therapy can move him beyond this pathetic lack of respect for either her or confidence in his own worth, this is a nightmare of a lifetime to contemplate. With NUNS. Of course, this is all conjecture. I dont know any sex workers and it certainly would not be for me, but Im not going to clutch my pearls and start labeling other people,s choices as unwholesome and I have a big eye roll for people who do. OPs husband sounds like my mom. If this is anxiety, OCD, or any other disorder then therapy for himself is absolutely necessary. And actually, trips apart are GOOD for our relationship, we miss each other like crazy after the first two days and it strengthens our bonds (and snuggles) when were reunited. (Also worth mentioning: The ways weve developed the concept of masculinity in the US mean that many guys express anxious feelings as anger, so look out for that too.) A room like that in any other city would cost 3 or 4 times that. I might also take your friends statement a step further, and point out that hes the one making your marriage adversarial. My (mentally ill) mom does this thing where if theres something she doesnt want me to do, she makes up stories about how dangerous/stupid/inconsiderate/selfish/wrong of me to do it. This is a great space to write long text about your company and your services. If his fears really are Vegas-specific, spending time there might help. I like backpacking/camping and my husband does not (at least, not for extended periods of time). making sure your spouse is okay with big decisions that affect both of you isnt that unreasonable. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. We saw a fun show with impersonators of Sinatra, Dean Martin, Cher, etc and fun dancers. But general anxiety on this level is still causing them problems and will in future if he cant get it under control. So yeah somethings just not right. We are often there and then take the metro across town to the apartment where we stay at midnight. I read books. Have never felt nervous yet. Everyone agrees with me and thinks youre unreasonable and crazy. A relationship problem is not necessarily a problem where both people in the relationship are doing something wrong, but a problem that affects the relationship. Business trips are a normal fact of life in many jobs. Spend the whole day 10+ hours (for me) at the Bath House in Mandalay Bay. In that couples case, I believe the wife was worried about being left alone at home, so the husband invited the wife to come with him on his trip, and at first she was planning to join him, but then her anxiety subsided and she decided to stay home and get together with friends in the hometown instead. Uncategorized ; June 21, 2022 husband doesn t want to go on family vacation . In summer it doesnt really get properly dark at all, and not until after midnight. You deserveit! And the issue was never me, or our marriage or anything like that, it was entirely a him problem, his anxiety and fear due to an accident we had Christmas eve one year. One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). Companies have meetings there because the hotels are set up for them, and its incredibly easy. Yup. And in small towns all over America people are being shot in churches, schools, shopping malls etc. Plus those casinos take forever to walk across and they are saturated in smoke, blech! The reason companies go there is because theres big convention centers and lots of cheap flights. Im pretty sure most religious counselors would see the ridiculousness of his position too. Him trying to get her to conform to a cultural norm that shes rejecting isnt necessary toxic, but just because its somebodys culture doesnt mean they get to impose it on others. Las Vegas facilities can serve dinner to 5000+ people in less than 30 minutes without breaking a sweat. I go to Vegas twice a year for fun, and while you can get into the seedier side of it IF YOU WANT TO, its also very, VERY easy to not get into it all. I mean, were talking about adults going on a business trip so wholesome shouldnt even come into it. Ideally, you and your husband would support each other in your careers, not have babyish meltdowns. I did manage to save the relaionship (even though Mothers anxiety never went away; be prepared for that too) I truly hope that you can save your relationship with your spose, OP. Leave the argument and do that as consistently as you can. Just a quick note to say can people please stop calling it abuse and then recommending marriage counselling in the same breath. I feel a sudden need to greet my husband at the door tonight and give him a big hug. The worrying about her cheating leads me to consider there might be a problem with control/abuse, possibly. The tipping point came when he suggested I find my boss a girlfriend you know, so Boss wouldnt be tempted to hit on me. Read: how could he know I was where I said I was? My husband used to be pretty bad about my work trips, too. And if you dont trust your spouse, why would you want to remain married to them? And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. It can feel very cruel to set boundaries and do what you need to do for yourself when it feels like your partner is suffering, but the accommodations are just very temporary band-aids. And yeah, they probably need some counseling, and people often start off with Marriage counseling before moving on to individual counseling *on advice of their counselor*! If my husband were on a trip to Vegas, Id be fine with it, but if he were going with his coworker, Id probably want to tag along. Its a slippery slope when someone starts demanding changes to accommodate their objections to acceptable societal norms. Friend: Uh-huh. Its been a while, but the last time I went to Vegas, we went to a Cirque du Soleil show, did a lot of shoe shopping, and took a drive out to the hoover dam (and took a cool tour). either. Perhaps its Vegass advertising being really effective with him, or perhaps its something larger. Theyre both controlled, predictable corporate environments that can provide controlled, predictable hospitality services, often at a price affordable enough to attract business conferences. Its like the person who tried to quit, and their boss polls the other managers and then tells employee that the other managers all agree, employee does not have a good enough reason to quit. A dancer charged a bunch of stuff on my credit card. (sees where incident happened) Or maybe, you bought 10 bottles of Cristal for strippers and then panicked when your accounting department asked for a receipt? Not all of the counties decided to legalize it, and as a result there is no legal prostitution in Las Vegas or Reno. Yeah Im trying to tell myself this kind of misconception is the kindest possible explanation. We of course send the Im here texts and goodnight and such. When I was fretting over whether to pursue a fantastic opportunity that would require a good amount of travel, he told me, Youve worked too hard to get where you are to not take ANY opportunity you want to take. And he means it. Hmm Shes probably going to cheat on me in Vegas because thats what people do in VegasWait I cant say that, of course shes going to deny ithmm, what else can I say to convince her to stay Kidnapping! I would have not reacted well to this if I were the best friend. Vegas flights and hotels are cheap compared to anywhere else with their size convention/conference space. $57 foie gras burgers and stuff, just total lunacy. Dude she failed to mention that she hid pictures of her with mail strippers and lied about it and when I seen what pictures she showed me she dressed up better than she ever dresses at home. Your post will be hidden and deleted by moderators. He thought I should take his moms feelings into consideration and realize that I wasnt just hurting him, but his family as well, and reconsider. So, considering that this issue really could be either one, I suppose its no wonder were seeing a lot of both here and it feels like they arecompeting? This educational content is not medical or diagnostic advice. I trust that the letter writer would be able to better identify whether or not thats the case here, and trust shell be able to address it appropriately with a skilled counselor. Yup, agreed. This sounds less like anxiety and more like controlling/abusive behavior. Id be wondering if it isnt time to reconsider the marriage. And shell never be the breadwinner, but again, thats what she signed up for from the get-to. At first I was shocked, but that was only due to the misconceptions about that place. Having just returned from an exhausting but informative 3-day event in Las Vegas let me assure you when youre at the conference center/hotels there is security up the wahzoo and those folks are awesome. We were in that stage of "dating" where we wanted to do everything together, only he didn't fly and didn't really enjoy travel. I highly doubt these people genuinely agree with him, but are more likely playing the supportive friend role. BUT, I dont actually think thats the most likely explanation for his issues. I get heated at the principle of spouses letting each other do things. 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. I love it when my husband goes camping with the guys. Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine). Your level of trust in him. And companies love it because it tends to be cheaper than other places with similar conveniences. And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. I just want to come back to the point about where the first fear of his that you list off, OP, is that youre going to cheat on him. Maybe he is just a lazy dude who wants to keep his cash cow working and under his thumb?? P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. Either way, hes being unreasonable and interfering with your career, andcounseling to figure out whats at the root of that is stilla good step here. Its an incredibly effective manipulation technique. I agree with Allison though, this is a situation that requires some heavy duty marriage counseling no matter what. My comment is intended to apply to any combination of genders.). Its possible, though, that he really is controlling. During the first trip I spent most of my time during the day sight-seeing by myself (or with tour groups) while my wife attended her conference and later meeting her and friends for dinner and evening events. Yes, we fly in on Monday and are out by Friday. I would idd consider flying. But, at least in that case, she was 100% aware of the power dynamics she signed up for in entering the marriage, unlike our OP. The letter writer specifically ASKED about anxiety. Hes worried the worst would happen: I cheat, someone spikes my drink, someone kidnaps me He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. Where is he staying. The lack of trust here is pretty disturbing, as are his over-the-top fears. But yeah, I would go to a counselor rather than skipping straight to a lawyer unless there are more flagrant issues. Whats real is my wife is going for a walk in a safe area, shes smart and wouldnt put herself in danger, and the chances of anything happening to her are incredibly low. You travel with the rest of the managers in your company, and I would assume many of them have spouses (and presumably most are able to handle behaving like a responsible adult). It is easy to go to Las Vegas and behave responsibly. Nothing magical about Vegas. It feels as if the OPs husband is just latching onto the location as an excuse. Or that he heard more agreement than was really being given by his friends? My almost 60 year old mother goes to a medical conference in Las Vegas every year. Speak to him about how he feels if you were to invite people over. They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. This. He and this whole situation is definitely unstable and unsustainable. I wanted to comment on the everyone I talked to agrees with me stance hes taken. I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. But to throw the baby out with the bath water is beyond ridiculous. It sure could be, also its pretty weird that hes getting such a homogenous I would NEVER let my spouse go on a trip to Vegas for their job response from everyone hes discussed this with. Me: What did you say? Good points. We stay at mid-level resorts and usually pay about $40 a night. I dont want men to dismiss womens fears, but I have personally had more experience with the opposite men deciding to tell me why I cant/shouldnt do something adventurous. Something I would like you to keep in the back of your mind: I dont know whether your husband has anxiety or not, I dont know whether he is controlling or not. Ill take bizarrely leading questions for 600, Alex. Im going to second the suggestion of marriage counseling, but I think your husband sounds controlling and unreasonable. Meanwhile, Im building a scene in my head where shes been kidnapped and terrible things are happening to her. Talk about what services you provide. I resent our new hires for setting better work-life boundaries than our company normally has, hairy legs at work, my office sent me a random TV, and more, heres an example of a great cover letter with before and after versions, my employee cant handle even mildly negative feedback, my new coworker is putting fake mistakes in my work so she can tell our boss Im bad at my job, insensitive Diversity Day, how to fire someone who refuses to talk to us, and more, weekend open thread February 25-26, 2023, assistant became abusive when she wasnt invited to a meeting, my coworkers dont check on people who are out sick, and more. Yes!! As to the question of WHY businesses have meetings in Las Vegas, its because the hospitality industry there gets it. Boss was happily married, and both he and his wife treated me like a daughter. She should set a boundary around this type of thing because it gets out of hand. Also made me think about the impact TV can have on our beliefs about the world. And I recognize that this is 100% My Problem and I need to adapt my behaviour to deal with it. Note to the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Bureau. You won't have to look over, sideways, and under to find out when new Magic Key sales will be open again. The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. Ive traveled to all kinds of interesting destinations where Ive only seen the inside of the airport and conference rooms. Most of them. Im all for giving your loved ones the name of the hotel youre staying at and checking in on a nightly basis (Ive done it myself) but if hes being controlling and/or anxious, there may be no amount of information that will be enough to assuage him. I can tell you thisd be a divorce-level issue if I did it with my wife. Abusers often (successfully!) Whereas in reality, I just hope that this will be the time when Im on the subway at 1am and it wont be too crowded to get a seat. I understand where youre coming from, but even if this is exclusively his issue, joint therapy sessions can help each partner understand the others perspective. I suspect LWs husband doesnt *really* believe she will be kidnapped in Las Vegas. Sounds great. seriously. How Vacations Can Help or Harm Your Relationship This isnt a man with an anxiety problem. You have to have the autonomy in your relationship to perform the required duties of your job; its not like youre going to shaking it on top of a table at the Cosmopolitan. If he balks or outright refuses, then that might be a signal that theyre in abusive territory and LW should consider solo counseling to decide how best to handle it. Divorce is a valid option, if you choose to go down that road. Fine with me. Right on the top!! Ive been to one (and my husband was only jealous of the food), and while I dont like Vegas myself, I cant deny that the Venetian knows how to run a conference. It got dark on my (2-hour!) Living with someone like this for the rest of your life sounds like a real misery. Sometimes, well go together on business trips (one of us taking it as vacation) this isnt something you can do every time, but it also seems to help him tremendously, especially on his own business travel. Either way, its important for both ofyou tocommunicate about such animportant issue sothat things dont escalate further than necessary. Im not a fan of Las Vegas (i.e., cigarette smoke, gambling, drinking), but many (perhaps all?) I suspect this has less to to with irrational fears of the big, bad world, and more to do with an outdated, sexist view of the man being in charge of his woman. Sure, but hes also clearly controlling and very manipulative. That said, in order to see them, we either have to travel to see them or they have to travel to see us. Wouldnt that bother you?. Hah. I am sitting in my car at the airport catching up on AAM before I get back to life and guess where I came from? Be bored, and be boring: This is not a debate, this is a fact deal with it but stated calmly, not aggressively. I have the same problem and have since I was a child. I went to Vegas for an academic conference once and it was soooo super tame. I came home to find my SO sitting on a bench, pissed and worried thought I should have called. Its just boring to us because we arent into flashy lights and gambling. Or is he bad whenever you are off doing anything on your own? This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". Its not some ridiculous naked sex drug party.. Seriously, I think most of my husbands friends have been to Las Vegas at some point for their jobs, no matter what their jobs are. I belong to a profession that has an annual convention in Las Vegas. You should protect your son! Especially your point about this not being an issue of sides.. Its important to you, and take not unreasonable that your employer would want you to go, nor is it an unreasonable place to go. By letting him chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with male colleagues, in public, etc. Its hard enough to be a single lady without constantly watching single ladies being attacked!! When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. If yes, how does he handle those trips? Theres like 1 hour of down time. He also accused her of sleeping with her boss constantly. Also, sometimes its exhausting to argue with an anxiety sufferer and you end up agreeing to get out of the discussion. I'm kind of dreading it because my infant hates the car and my 2 year old is not the sitting type. Worrying about cheating, sex, drugs, and rock n roll, is worrying about what I will do. Because were not one being known collectively as The Couple, were two individuals who just really like each other, but also respect each others autonomy. We have now been married 5 years and this is a thing of the past. I wouldnt be surprised if it were like 2 people. And my husband was completely fine with it. Updated: June 23, 2020. I dont know about gambling but partying? Vegas is one of the cheapest options with the best meeting facilities. Even if it was a relatively nice day, the fact that there was snow on the road would just give him fits. So when my sister and her then-boyfriend said they were taking a trip there, my first thought was that they shouldnt go because tourists are always killed horribly in Vegas (or are sometimes raped or kidnapped). I say this as an anxiety disorder sufferer who becomes excessively worried when my partner travels for work, but of course I support him regardless of the fact that its stressful for me m y anxiety is on me to manage in a healthy way. :), That reminds me of this Captain Awkward letter: https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, Were now in a position where he thinks Ive made a mistake with the breakup, and that I did not adequately justify my reasons for ending it.. Find advice, support and good company (and some stuff just for fun). One of the most important things I learned in therapy is that even though my feelings are real, they are not reasonable and not helpful, so its not appropriate to expect others to change their behavior to accommodate them. Its just worth knowing that having a long list of good traits doesnt mean you arent in a problematic relationship, or that you cant choose nope for your own emotional health. When one person in the relationship suggests separate vacations, one of three things happens. Never! Hes disabled, finds it extremely difficult to cook for himself, and suffers from anxiety, and he doesnt like me going on business trips. All the more reason to get out and build a life with someone who is your partner and not a leach who wants to cripple your independence and your career. You are not alone with this. There are many issues at play here. Personally, I think its far more likely that hes just using others or my friends agree as a generic point in his favor without actually having asked them. Im also a Chicagoan with an irrational former fiance. While that is a choice that some people wouldnt want to make, an annual business trip is very common. The only people who would have a problem with visiting Las Vegas would be someone who has never been there! He is the one with the heavy lifting, though. There are several important issues to consider, however, when deciding if your husband should go on vacation with you. Vegas and Orlando are excellent places for corporate retreats because theyre relatively cheap to fly to and theyre set up for this kind of thing. Your baby may like the car but that is a long ride and a big change for LO so it'll be ok but may not be as smooth as your imagining. Anxiety is a beast, and the sooner he gets a support system and coping strategies in place for this kind of out-of-control thinking the better. Yeah, I was hoping the OPs business trip wasnt over this weekend , This post was one of my first thoughts when I heard about the shooting . My husband was very upset. Is she free to travel then? Ah, but you have a job, and Im guessing are presumably a more equal breadwinner in your household. On work travel, it looks like meeting rooms and the booth in the exhibit hall. Figure you stop as often as baby feeds (which is every 3 hours for us.) I have a friend who doesnt drink, gamble, or smoke and Vegas is one of her favorite vacation places. It totally IS. This is actually a place where marriage counseling can be extremely useful. I know that you arent the one with the issue, but just letting you know. Just stayed at a swanky suite in the Venetian with a view of the strip for $140/night. And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. It will improve not only this small piece of your relationship, but his whole life. That didnt make me feel better for the Letter Writer. You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. My husband is just glad he doesnt have to go with me, because more than a couple of days in Las Vegas is like being stuck inside a kaleidoscope. Sure, anxiety may be amplifying his concerns, but anxiety doesnt make a respectful, supportive, loving spouse demand that their wife refuse to attend a business trip. Its hot and windy and dry and sand gets every where. Hes gotten better over time, but he still guilt-trips me before I leave and makes sad noises about how he misses me so much and we never spend enough time together. This is a pretty classic controlling partner move. Hed go get a hotel room, and give me a call; he wouldnt be instantly homeless and alone, and I couldnt magically fix a burned house anyway. That can do a number to your head if you already had basic anxiety about the travel. Im sure he must have good qualities, but this isnt one of them. No amount of marriage counseling will fix controlling. (No, actually, a real list.) husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Perhaps this is exhibiting itself in more ways than just this instance, and if so, its especially something youll want to address head on and as a team. If your husband is really giving you a choice between staying married to him and going on a business trip, the answer may be difficult to face, but hes giving you a clear choice: You can live your life on his terms, with the threat of divorce hanging over your head if you participate in public and professional life in a way that displeases him, or live your life on your terms. His income was mostly for his own frivolous purchases, my job paid the rent and most of the utilities (he paid his own phone bill and bitched about it nonstop). I shut that down fast by reminding her I was working an evening shift that ended at 11 PM. I think the reputation itself also makes people think its okay to act more crazy than they might. and a lot to it more than the Strip. Pretty much. Couples counseling can be super helpful even if the source (so to speak) of the problem is one partner. Or its an indication that they live in a different culture than the one you know. A difficult or stressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. HE is the one who needs counseling; going together would send the message that its an us issue. That much concern/lack of trust that his wife is going to go off and cheat on him because of what city shes in smells like projecting to me.